


LonelyFans

by Wendles1967



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Mentioned Elias Bouchard, Mentioned Martin Blackwood, Rusty Quill Gaming and Giving 2020, Spoilers up to MAG159, Two Men One Kayak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 14:14:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30006123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wendles1967/pseuds/Wendles1967
Summary: Peter Lukas and Tim Stoker interrupt their extended kayaking holiday to commit internet crimes.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	LonelyFans

**Author's Note:**

> Mike and Alasdair performed this piece, and it was magnificent!  
> [Here's a link to youtube](https://youtu.be/9IbPLMGhhLA?t=37m16s)

_Scene: PETER LUKAS and TIMOTHY STOKER are relaxing in a campsite after a long day’s kayaking. They’re sitting at separate campfires, naturally, but close enough to have a conversation if absolutely necessary._

PETER  
Martin? Martin! Maaartinnn!!  
[BEAT]  
_[muttered]_ Oh, right, no, that doesn’t work any more. _[louder]_ Timothy? Timothy!!

TIM  
_[cheerfully]_ Yes Boss?

_[[oh, how we’ve missed cheerful and upbeat Tim]]_

PETER  
Ah, there you are - good, good. Tim, you seem like just the person to ask about this thing Elias wants me to do - something called a ‘LonelyFans’?

TIM  
[BEAT] What.

PETER  
A LonelyFans. What’s one of those?

TIM  
Riiiight. Well, it was originally set up by Timothy Stokely - lovely chap, I’m sure you’d like him.

PETER  
Isn’t that basically your name?

TIM  
Funny story actually…

PETER  
_[overlapping with Tim]_ But never mind about that. What does it do?

TIM  
It’s a web-based subscription content-sharing service.

PETER  
[BEAT] Yes?

TIM  
Online.

PETER  
Yes?

TIM  
You … _[how to simplify this enough?]_ … you make a … place, and people pay to be your fans and … come and look at it.

PETER  
Like an art gallery?

TIM  
I mean, sort of? A bit? But on the internet. And … not usually art exactly.

PETER  
I see. _[he really doesn’t see]_  
But I don’t want any fans! I don’t want people to come anywhere near me!

TIM  
That’s the beauty of it, Boss - it’s on the internet, so you never actually see them.

PETER  
Oh! Well that sounds lovely. Would you mind setting it up for me?

TIM  
I … okay. _[starting to see the possibilities now]_ Yeah, why not!

PETER  
Perfect, there’s a good chap.

_A little later._

PETER  
Tim? Tim!! It says I have a subscriber!

TIM  
Yes?

PETER  
Someone called ‘LonelyEy-’ Oh, it’s Elias. Yes, well, that seems like a _very_ appropriate use of Institute funds.

TIM  
Great start! I’m sure lots more people will be along soon.

PETER  
_[panicked]_ What? No! I don’t want more people! Make it so they can’t find me!

TIM  
Too late - look, someone called ‘grbookworm1818’ has just joined. And ‘WhatTheGirlfriends’. And ‘jonmartin’ … ‘OllieBanksNotDeadYet’, ‘SpideyAnne’, ‘not!tea’, ‘RQAfterDark’ … you’re really popular!

PETER  
Oh no, that’s not acceptable at all. [PETER’S STATIC RISES BRIEFLY] There, that’s better.

TIM  
That’s odd. Nobody’s unsubscribed, but they’ve all just … gone.

PETER  
_[with great satisfaction]_ Yes.

TIM  
Right. _[seeing more possibilities]_ Riiight. Would … you be prepared to do that again to other subscribers? [quickly] Only if they wanted you to, I mean.

PETER  
Certainly! And if they didn’t, of course.

TIM  
Let’s … just stick with people who ask, shall we?

_[[consent is sexy, y’all]]_

PETER  
_[jovially - what a jolly jape!]_ Whatever you say Tim!

_Some time later._

PETER  
Tim? Tim!! Something must be wrong - I can’t help but notice that despite all your assurances, my LonelyFans hasn’t made me any money at all.  
Also, I don’t understand this email. It’s from somebody named Anil at a place called The Rusty Quill, and he wants to thank me for my ‘substantial donation to Mind, Action Aid and The Black, African and Asian Therapy Network’.  
[BEAT]  
_[louder]_ Tim?  
[BEAT]  
_[menacingly]_ Timothy, what have you done?

TIM  
_[cheerfully, from a distance]_ Can’t hear you Boss - there’s a river in the way!

[SOUNDS OF TIM GLEEFULLY KAYAKING INTO THE SUNSET, LAUGHING]

_[ends]_

**Author's Note:**

> This little slice of nonsense was developed from original ideas by members of the Escape Artists Inc Twitch stream chat, in the tired-but-too-wired-to-sleep morning after Rusty Quill Gaming and Giving 2020. The prompt came from serhawke (may their name live for evermore in infamy), and was compiled into a script by Wendles1967 using original content from the stream chat, featuring serhawke (captainskellington), eldritchcatpossum, Wendles1967, CompostWitch, silvercolour, and one other (from whom I'm still seeking permission to credit).
> 
> I made a donation to the RQGG2020 £26k donation goal (Mike and Alasdair read lines as Tim and Peter), and Anil graciously agreed that we could submit a short script within a day or so after we’d all, you know, slept. (It’s not his fault - we caught the poor guy in a moment of extreme exhaustion and vulnerability immediately after the end of the livestream.)
> 
> We knew Alasdair and Mike would be recording over a video link and weren't expecting any soundscaping to be feasible, but I left it in for flavour, and because a middle-aged lady’s gotta dream, you know? But oh my, did they ever deliver! Thank you both!


End file.
